As a coaching psychologist, I often encounter clients who are on a quest for happiness, guided by societal narratives and personal milestones they believe will unlock their ultimate joy. However, in her insightful book, “The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, But Doesn’t, What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, But Does”, Sonja Lyubomirsky argues that much of what we think will make us happy is based on misconceptions. Understanding these misconceptions can help us to shift our focus towards attaining genuine, lasting happiness.
Myth 1: The Milestone Misconception
We often believe that achieving certain life milestones – getting married, securing your ideal job, or buying a house – will lead to lasting happiness. While these events can indeed bring joy, Lyubomirsky’s research reveals that their impact is often temporary. This phenomenon, known as the “hedonic treadmill,” suggests that we quickly return to a baseline level of happiness, regardless of changes in our circumstances.
Practical Application: Rather than pinning our hopes on future milestones, we should focus on appreciating the present moment. Engaging in daily practices like mindfulness and gratitude journalling can help us find contentment in our current lives, rather than constantly chasing the next big thing.
Myth 2: The Relationship Riddle
Another common belief is that a perfect romantic relationship or an ideal family life is the key to happiness. While healthy relationships are undoubtedly important, they are not the sole determinants of our well-being. Relationships can be a source of both joy and stress, and placing all our happiness eggs in this basket can lead to disappointment.
Practical Application: Cultivate a balanced approach to happiness that includes but is not limited to relationships. Develop hobbies, pursue passions, and engage in activities that bring you joy independently. This not only enriches your life but also enhances your relationships by reducing undue pressure on them to provide all your happiness.
Myth 3: The Hardship Hypothesis
Many people believe that experiencing hardship inevitably leads to unhappiness. However, Lyubomirsky introduces the concept of post-traumatic growth, in which individuals find positive meaning and personal development following challenging experiences. Resilience and the ability to adapt are key factors in how we respond to adversity.
Practical Application: Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth. Reflect on past adversities and identify how they have contributed to your personal development. By shifting your perspective on hardship, you can cultivate resilience and a more positive outlook on life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Intentional Activities: The Real Key to Happiness
Lyubomirsky emphasises that intentional activities – those actions we consciously choose to engage in – play an important role in our happiness. Practising gratitude, performing acts of kindness, and nurturing optimism are all strategies that can significantly enhance our well-being.
Practical Application:
- Gratitude Journalling: Spend a few minutes each day writing down things for which you are grateful. This simple practice can shift your focus from what’s lacking to what’s abundant in your life.
- Acts of Kindness: Make a habit of performing small, random acts of kindness. These acts not only benefit others but also boost your own happiness and sense of connection.
- Mindfulness and Meditation: Incorporate mindfulness and meditation into your daily routine. These practices help you stay present, reduce stress, and improve your overall emotional regulation.
If you’re finding happiness elusive, you might want to reflect on Lyubomirsky’s myths and consider how you can apply these lessons to your own life. Happiness is not a destination to be reached, but rather a journey to be experienced and embraced every day.
Reference
Lyubomirsky, S. (2014). The myths of happiness: What should make you happy, but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy, but does. Penguin.
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